Tuesday, July 24, 2007 ; 5:28:00 PM ♥
My uncle asked me to talk to her as much as possible. It is 1 am. This is the last chance I have to talk to her. I have to tell her a lot of things. I let them talk first. Some of them went to sleep but no matter what I still want to accompany her. Around 2 plus, when not much people was around, I talked to her. I told her about the future and why she has to leave us at this time. My sis and me cried. It is so hard to let her go. Beside talking to her, there is nothing I can do le. I talk to her about 1 hour plus before I rest and play mahjong. I played for about 2 hours before I talked to her again. I talked to her for the last time before my auntie do a 'Clean Up' for up as to let her look good and fresh.
Time really flies, the sky turned from black to blue and then slowly turned to white. My heart keep on thinking her journey to heaven. The more I think the more I am not willing to let her go. I mean she is so young and I have'nt ord yet. Why does she have to leave me now?? Why is God so unfair to me???? That are so many things she have'nt do yet. I don't want to see her being cremated. Time is running out for me and her. I cannot think so much le. I accompany as much as possible. Around 8 am, I went up to take a short bathe and rest before the ritual people come. That was the very last time I stand so close and talk to her. Around 9 am, I went down and stayed before the ritual people. Around 10.30 am, the ritual people came and did so ritual for her. We walk for the last three days Asking her to leave peacefully and hope that she would go to heaven. Around 11 plus, they carried her coffin to the vehicle. We send her off one round the car park area with our relative and friends and to the exit of the car park before we took the bus to 'Mandai Cremational'. This is my first time vistit our there. A lot of places I did'nt know where to go. Once we reached the lift area. I saw the signboard.....Koh Ah Heng, Hall 2, 12.15 pm. Hai, that will be the last time I saw her name. When I saw her name, I was really sad. Sad in the sense that I won't be able to see her body anymore. I won't be able to touch her anymore. I won't be able to talk to her anymore. I won't be to hold her hands and look into her eyes. I won't be able to kiss her anymore. I won't be able to hear voice. I am calling her but yet she is unable to hear. Ah Ma, where are you????? Why I cannot see you??? Why must you leave me now???? What should I do? There is nothing for me to do but give in. If you give me one chance to tell you how I was feeling, I will sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you, if you give me one chance to tell you how I was feeling I will hold your hand and look into your eyes, and you know that I'll never let you go. I don't want to see her turning into ashes. I want her by my side even if she does'nt respond. I just hate myself. It seems that nothing matter what I do, it stil not enough. How I wish to turn back the time and pei you more. You always asked me to eat while is hot then now where are you now? I want to hear your voice.I want you to scold me. Why this time you don't want? Why??? Why??? Can't you be alive and just wake up suddenly. Why does you have to sleep and sleep? Do you really like sleeping? Why can't you enjoy more? Why can't you live longer? Why must GOD be so unfair? The fucking world is so unfair. Everything is so unfair. Bloody hell...I hate my life and I hate this world....This bloody world is too cruel.
We went in to the Hall 2 and having some ritual conducted by monk and senior monk 'Cek Gong'. He asked everybody to pay last respect to her before she is being cremated...... At last, the Finale... Family and friends are being brought to the viewing gallery at the 2nd floor. Everything was so sophiscated. Using the latest technology, it all done-by a touch button. As the coffin slowly being move in. We cried and that was the hardest I had ever cried. First time in my life to cry so much. We did not see the fire. If I see the fire, I think all will cry like hell. I still can vividly remember when my grandfather was cremated at Mount Vernon. That was about 13 years ago, I remember seeing the coffin was pushed by two guys and the furnace was so near to us. We can see the hot fire burning. It was so painful that I can remember it until now. Luckily it is at Mandai. After which we took bus back to Yishun, at the void deck. I saw her funeral but is nothing left le. No 'body', table, people, monks, picture of her. Only metal pole and cloth. We rest a while and wait for my uncle to come before heading back to Mandai to collect her ashes. The process was quite fast. We did what we can for her. We bought some kind of marble urn which cost about thousand plus. Hopefully, she can rest even better there. When we place her ashes into her urn, the person-in-charge told us that the flower has bloom le. It cannot be seen or detect when alive, it is only when you see the ashes, you will know de. What it means that, my grandma has been a good person in her life and now she dead, she probably will be in heaven or reincarnation. Though she is not here with us, at least we do know where she goes.
After placing all the remains in the urn, we cover her urn with a red cloth with joss stick and cover with an umbrella. We drove to Mount Vernon and place it together with my grandfather. The monk did some ritual and we let her eat something before we leave. I really hope you will come back and see me. I don't care when and I don't care how, just come back k. We will always miss you..............Wo Hui Xiang Ni Bu Guan Ni Zai Na Ni
Time really flies, the sky turned from black to blue and then slowly turned to white. My heart keep on thinking her journey to heaven. The more I think the more I am not willing to let her go. I mean she is so young and I have'nt ord yet. Why does she have to leave me now?? Why is God so unfair to me???? That are so many things she have'nt do yet. I don't want to see her being cremated. Time is running out for me and her. I cannot think so much le. I accompany as much as possible. Around 8 am, I went up to take a short bathe and rest before the ritual people come. That was the very last time I stand so close and talk to her. Around 9 am, I went down and stayed before the ritual people. Around 10.30 am, the ritual people came and did so ritual for her. We walk for the last three days Asking her to leave peacefully and hope that she would go to heaven. Around 11 plus, they carried her coffin to the vehicle. We send her off one round the car park area with our relative and friends and to the exit of the car park before we took the bus to 'Mandai Cremational'. This is my first time vistit our there. A lot of places I did'nt know where to go. Once we reached the lift area. I saw the signboard.....Koh Ah Heng, Hall 2, 12.15 pm. Hai, that will be the last time I saw her name. When I saw her name, I was really sad. Sad in the sense that I won't be able to see her body anymore. I won't be able to touch her anymore. I won't be able to talk to her anymore. I won't be to hold her hands and look into her eyes. I won't be able to kiss her anymore. I won't be able to hear voice. I am calling her but yet she is unable to hear. Ah Ma, where are you????? Why I cannot see you??? Why must you leave me now???? What should I do? There is nothing for me to do but give in. If you give me one chance to tell you how I was feeling, I will sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you, if you give me one chance to tell you how I was feeling I will hold your hand and look into your eyes, and you know that I'll never let you go. I don't want to see her turning into ashes. I want her by my side even if she does'nt respond. I just hate myself. It seems that nothing matter what I do, it stil not enough. How I wish to turn back the time and pei you more. You always asked me to eat while is hot then now where are you now? I want to hear your voice.I want you to scold me. Why this time you don't want? Why??? Why??? Can't you be alive and just wake up suddenly. Why does you have to sleep and sleep? Do you really like sleeping? Why can't you enjoy more? Why can't you live longer? Why must GOD be so unfair? The fucking world is so unfair. Everything is so unfair. Bloody hell...I hate my life and I hate this world....This bloody world is too cruel.
We went in to the Hall 2 and having some ritual conducted by monk and senior monk 'Cek Gong'. He asked everybody to pay last respect to her before she is being cremated...... At last, the Finale... Family and friends are being brought to the viewing gallery at the 2nd floor. Everything was so sophiscated. Using the latest technology, it all done-by a touch button. As the coffin slowly being move in. We cried and that was the hardest I had ever cried. First time in my life to cry so much. We did not see the fire. If I see the fire, I think all will cry like hell. I still can vividly remember when my grandfather was cremated at Mount Vernon. That was about 13 years ago, I remember seeing the coffin was pushed by two guys and the furnace was so near to us. We can see the hot fire burning. It was so painful that I can remember it until now. Luckily it is at Mandai. After which we took bus back to Yishun, at the void deck. I saw her funeral but is nothing left le. No 'body', table, people, monks, picture of her. Only metal pole and cloth. We rest a while and wait for my uncle to come before heading back to Mandai to collect her ashes. The process was quite fast. We did what we can for her. We bought some kind of marble urn which cost about thousand plus. Hopefully, she can rest even better there. When we place her ashes into her urn, the person-in-charge told us that the flower has bloom le. It cannot be seen or detect when alive, it is only when you see the ashes, you will know de. What it means that, my grandma has been a good person in her life and now she dead, she probably will be in heaven or reincarnation. Though she is not here with us, at least we do know where she goes.
After placing all the remains in the urn, we cover her urn with a red cloth with joss stick and cover with an umbrella. We drove to Mount Vernon and place it together with my grandfather. The monk did some ritual and we let her eat something before we leave. I really hope you will come back and see me. I don't care when and I don't care how, just come back k. We will always miss you..............Wo Hui Xiang Ni Bu Guan Ni Zai Na Ni
Ng Boon Chua, 72
Koh Ah Heng, 65
REST IN PEACE
There are a lot of people I wanna thanks.
Angeline, Chuan Wei, Elaine, Sandy, Eugene, Felicia mei, Geraldine, Gladys, Grace, Jeryn, Josline, Joyce, Li Juan, Ling Ai, Mei Bing, Grace, Miranda, Nicholus, Elaine (Israel), Eigene, Pearlyn, Alan, Alvin, Renee, See Guan, See Yah, Yu Ling, Veron, Stan, Tirene, Tisha, kenneth, Vivien, Wei Qi, Sally, Jonathan, Cherlene, Superlyn, Meng Hwee, Eng Leong, Yong Xin, Ronald, Ling Ai and Chuan Yi. If i miss out anyone, I'm Sorry. These are the people who encourage me or who had came for the funeral. Really thanks for the effort.
Especially going out to See Guan, Yong Xin & Ronald who keep coming in to the hospital and to Yong Xin & Grace who went to Madai. Thank you for all the support that you have given me, I will never forget it.
Life is never the same without you......You might be gone but I will be there.
Monday, July 23, 2007 ; 9:50:00 PM ♥
Work up in the morning around 8 plus. I want to spend more time with her. I went to see her, talk to her. Finally broke down again when I talk to her and see her. Her face was swollen. It's different from what we saw. Today still the same. I still could'nt stop crying. Everyday mourning for her. She won't be back le. Since today is the last day, I will accompany her tonight.
Sunday, July 22, 2007 ; 6:54:00 PM ♥
I woke up around 10 plus today. After bathing, I went downstair to see her. Lots of people coming here today but I just want to accompany her as much as possible. I keep eating the qua zi. I don know why I kept eating and eating until at night. Some of my friends came and we chat. Really thanks for coming though I no mood for anything. Around 10 pm ritual started again. I really don't like but no choice. I just endure loh. It's time for the rest to sleep. I wanted to stay but because of my sis. I have to accompany her until she sleep. I went up with her. I wanted to wait until she sleep then I came down but I was too tired until I dozed off. Today is my mother and my aunty to stay and accompany her.
Saturday, July 21, 2007 ; 6:54:00 PM ♥
I woke up around 10 plus as the casket man came. I did not really want to want wake as I was so tired. I got no choice since everyone went down. At the void deck of 402 Yishun Ring Rd, the man arrived together with my grandma casket. My feeling is like using my head to hit the stone. Feeling running here and there. After she arrived and settled everyone. Some relative came first, I dunno who and I don't care whoever it is. I just stayed there until at night.
At night time, there were some ritual going down. I don'nt really like this kind of thing but because of her so I went. The first few minutes was terrible. Got about 70 pages of ritual. The moment I saw it, my headache just automatic pain. After few pages of ritual conducted by them. I cried and cried. My heart was thinking, she was already dead. What for giving this kind of ritual. I wanted to burst out ask them to stop everything. I wanted to shout at them. I managed to calm myself down even though my head going to explode. Luckily I did not, if not she will not rest in peace. I did not concentrate on what they are ritualing and one of the ritual keep helping me to turn the pages. About 10 mins later, I stopped and patiently waited for them to finish. Once they finished, I was kinda relieved but my heart still beating slowly. In fact I don even whether my heart is pumping a not. I just could not feel anything. Around 11 pm, we went up to sleep expect my elder uncle and aunt stayed through the night
At night time, there were some ritual going down. I don'nt really like this kind of thing but because of her so I went. The first few minutes was terrible. Got about 70 pages of ritual. The moment I saw it, my headache just automatic pain. After few pages of ritual conducted by them. I cried and cried. My heart was thinking, she was already dead. What for giving this kind of ritual. I wanted to burst out ask them to stop everything. I wanted to shout at them. I managed to calm myself down even though my head going to explode. Luckily I did not, if not she will not rest in peace. I did not concentrate on what they are ritualing and one of the ritual keep helping me to turn the pages. About 10 mins later, I stopped and patiently waited for them to finish. Once they finished, I was kinda relieved but my heart still beating slowly. In fact I don even whether my heart is pumping a not. I just could not feel anything. Around 11 pm, we went up to sleep expect my elder uncle and aunt stayed through the night
Friday, July 20, 2007 ; 12:51:00 PM ♥
I was really worried about her so I called the nurse around 12 am. to check on her hp. The nurse tole me that it was 51. I was shocked, so I got no choice but to pray for her. I still could'nt rest so I called @ 2 am to check her hp. She told me that her hp is 49. I was worried and I keep on praying for her hoping that her hp will improve. I woke up around 8 am and reached there around 9 am. I went straight into the Icu to see her. Her hp is 37/41, O2 is 80. I was so afraid that she might passed away. I went in to talk to her, scold her hoping that she might wake up. I told her about the past, present and the future that we want to do. I told myself not to give up on her, praying and hoping that miracle will come. There are still a lot of things that has not been done. I still have not ord, get married and have a successful career. How could she just left me???? She is only 65. She still has a good 20-30 years to live. She has been working hard all her life. Why can't she enjoy more?
Furthermore, she just reconcile with her daughter recently. Why must she God take everything when everything seems so good. Why???? Why must you treat me in this way? I never done anything wrong. Why must you take away her???? Why??? I really hate my life now. I wish I could sleep forever and ever. I do what I can do already. Why still nothing happened????. Where is the miracle? I wanted to go in and see her somemore but we can't. The doctor said they are releasing the poisonous gases, so we could'nt went in. By 1 pm, her hp is 37/41, O2 is 70. I was worried, I really don't want to let her go. So I keep on praying. I heard my family saying. If her hp fall below 30, we have to let her go peacefully. I know I have to let go peacefully but I still won't want to let her go. So I continue to pray and pray and around 4 plus, her hp is 31/37. I know time is ticking. She might not be able to make it. But I still continue to pray for her. Until 5 plus, when her hp is beating once in every 16 sec and her hp fall below 30 before beating to 0. She struggled a few time before giving up.
Finally she left us le, I know deeply inside my heart that this is the end. I have to let her go. The rest of my family went in to cry expect me. I was shocked and loss. I was standing there until the nurse came in and told them to get out first cos they need to change for her. She told ask to wait at the waiting room. We went there, only my mum, aunty, sis and me were there. I was touching her face and hands knowing that this will be the last time I will be able to touch her face and hands. I cried bitterly. I kneel and cry, keep talking to her knowing every milli sec also cannot waste cos not much time le. I kept on talking and crying until they ask me to get up. They pull me up but I cannot cos I'm having crump. They left me no choice but to wait for my blood flow to my leg. They have to be outside so only left my grandma and me. I was there crying until the person came and transfer the plates. When I saw them transfer, I don't want to let her go but I know nothing can be done. And there I was, watching haplessly as the person push her to the moutary. After the registration at the moutary, we saw her for the very last time in close distance before her funeral the next day. I went to my uncle house and was too shocked to do anything including bathing........
Thursday, July 19, 2007 ; 12:27:00 PM ♥
I woke up around 9 plus. I went in to see her. Her hp is 95/97, O2 is 100. I am still hoping that she would wake up one day. When my uncle reached around 11 plus, they ask me to go home to bathe and changed clothes first. At first I reluctent but later I agreed as they told me we still got a few night to go. So I took a train to Woodlands myself. It was terrible. My heart was still in pain. I dragging to go back and changed. I want to stay with her. After I reached my uncle house, I bathe, changed my clothes and sleep for awhile. Not before I had a good sleep, my aunty called me and said that my grandma hp dropped to 0 and they are rescuing her. I was shocked and afraid. I did'nt what to do, I was walking her and there, up and down, waiting for my uncle to drive us there. My heart could not stopped beating. It was pumping very fast.
As my uncle drove us there, I cried in the car, I was too worried to do anything, just hoping that she will be ok. I can't wait to reached there. When I reached the lobby, I ran to the lift and press the third floor and hurried went to ICU. By the time I reached there, she was there, my aunty told me that her hp dropped to 0 just now and the doctor rescued her. Kinda relieved but not relieved cos I have no idea what will happened next. I went in to see her, crying and crying asking her not to leave me. If she leave me, I dunno what to do le. I cried until I was very very tired. I don't care what my relative said, I just don't wanna let go of her. A lot of relative came but I did'nt say or greet them. I don't want to do anything expect to be at her side. I don't care what they think about me. I just don't wanna do anything. Her hp is 76/81 plus, O2 is 100. I wanted to stay but I was too exhausted.
By 8 pm, her hp is 65/72. Her hp is dropping and dropping. I was really very scared. I been talking, scolding and crying and crying the whole day. I told her about the past and the future that what we gonna to do. My uncle told me to go home to rest. I reluctant but I really need to sleep. I was so exhausted. Only my mother stayed. She stayed through the night. Before I left, her hp is 54/58, O2 is 100.
This song is specially dedicated for you.....
[[* Never Let You Go by Janice*]]
The rain, just never seems to bring
the joy I feel the same, everlasting pain of my loss remains
My heart, can't seem to learn to part,
the hold you left your mark,
all that I dreamed of now it seems so stark
Though I told myself won't hold my breath,
a part of me was dying,
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling,
I would sing to you and tell you
I won't live my life without you.
If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling,
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes
and you know I'd never let you go
The way, you left me on the train,
I don't know what to say, I remember everything that day
I can't, believe we'd never dance, I just need one more chance,
to share the sunset our one last romance
Though I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
Wednesday, July 18, 2007 ; 12:09:00 PM ♥
In the morning, I went to the hospital with my uncle. Once I reached there, I saw her. She was lying on the bed motionless. She was so thin. She is totally different when she used walk. I cannot help it but to cry. When I saw her on Sun, she was so healthy but now she was lying on the bed. She asked me whether I wanted to eat durian, I told her I wanted so she bought for me. I scared she hungry so I bought her noodles to eat. Out of a sudden, I wanted to let her eat branded ice cream. Thought of it, my refrigerator was full of meat. Therefore, I did not bought a box of ice cream except Nestle cone ice cream. She was waiting for me at the void deck table. I went to mama shop to buy. I was surprised when she was not at home. I waited until she came up and told me she was waiting for me downstair. After which, we had our dinner and we ate durian together. That was the last time we had dinner together and the last time I saw her.
My heart was like thousands pins of needles poking into my heart when I saw her on the bed. I waited for the doctor to come and tell me the situation. The doc came and said to me: She was having sudden stoke, the brainstem has clogged the blood flow between the brain to the body. Another words to say, she was brain damage. Basically, there is 0% of survival. Even she woke up, she will be paralysed. Just be with her these few days and prepared for the worst as she might just go suddenly. It strucked me. Usually when I heard these words is from the television, but I never expected that today it had happened to me. I cried.... I went into ICU to see her. I cried. I cried until I was very tired. My family went in too. They told her to leave peacefully but I would'nt. I resisted, they told me to let her go but I don want. I still haven out of my NS, my marriage, my career and lot of things still undone. I still haven got a chance to be fillial to her. She has been working hard all her life. Why can't she enjoy more before she left. WHY????? She is only 65. She still can have about 20-30 years to go. Why does she have to go why everything is changing from bad to good. She just only reconcile with her daughter. Why must GOD take her away when she is about to enjoy???? Why must be so cruel to me?
I rest awhile and continue to cried. Her hp is 100 plus, O2 is 100. I totally at a loss, I did'nt know what to do. I was very helpless. I watched her lying on bed and I cannot do anything. So I consulted my friends. They all told me to pray hoping that a miracle will surface. I prayed and I cried. I was there the whole day until at night. I did'nt eat nor drink. As they were leaving, I told them I wanted to stay with her. They said ok, My aunty stayed with me as she scared I was alone. We stayed at the waiting area all the night. The room was cold so do my heart. Though my body was freezing, my heart was terribly in pain. At night, her hp is 95/97, O2 is 100. When we asked the nurse what happened, she said that it is normal. I don't believed what she said so I went to other room and see. Indeed, some of the patient hp dropped. I felt a bit of relieved. My aunty and me went to sleep at the waiting area until the next day.
My heart was like thousands pins of needles poking into my heart when I saw her on the bed. I waited for the doctor to come and tell me the situation. The doc came and said to me: She was having sudden stoke, the brainstem has clogged the blood flow between the brain to the body. Another words to say, she was brain damage. Basically, there is 0% of survival. Even she woke up, she will be paralysed. Just be with her these few days and prepared for the worst as she might just go suddenly. It strucked me. Usually when I heard these words is from the television, but I never expected that today it had happened to me. I cried.... I went into ICU to see her. I cried. I cried until I was very tired. My family went in too. They told her to leave peacefully but I would'nt. I resisted, they told me to let her go but I don want. I still haven out of my NS, my marriage, my career and lot of things still undone. I still haven got a chance to be fillial to her. She has been working hard all her life. Why can't she enjoy more before she left. WHY????? She is only 65. She still can have about 20-30 years to go. Why does she have to go why everything is changing from bad to good. She just only reconcile with her daughter. Why must GOD take her away when she is about to enjoy???? Why must be so cruel to me?
I rest awhile and continue to cried. Her hp is 100 plus, O2 is 100. I totally at a loss, I did'nt know what to do. I was very helpless. I watched her lying on bed and I cannot do anything. So I consulted my friends. They all told me to pray hoping that a miracle will surface. I prayed and I cried. I was there the whole day until at night. I did'nt eat nor drink. As they were leaving, I told them I wanted to stay with her. They said ok, My aunty stayed with me as she scared I was alone. We stayed at the waiting area all the night. The room was cold so do my heart. Though my body was freezing, my heart was terribly in pain. At night, her hp is 95/97, O2 is 100. When we asked the nurse what happened, she said that it is normal. I don't believed what she said so I went to other room and see. Indeed, some of the patient hp dropped. I felt a bit of relieved. My aunty and me went to sleep at the waiting area until the next day.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007 ; 11:55:00 AM ♥
After my guard duty, I went home until at night when I was to book in. I took a cab to camp, as I was reaching to my camp. My phone ring.......ringggg...ringggg......ringggg......
Me: Hello...
Mum: Ah boy, faster come.......Ah ma is hospitalised. She may not be able to make it...(Crying)
Me: (Shocked) Ok, where, quick....where....(Crying)
Mum: Tan Tock Seng. But you cannot go now, uncle they all left already...
Me: Then how???
Mum: Go your uncle house now...
Me: Ok......
I broke down when I was outside of my camp. I cried until my head pain, heart pain. I was really afraid. I was scared that I might never see her again. I cried and cried until my PC came and ask me what happened. He told me to go my uncle house there and he will settle the rest. Once again, I took the cab and went to my uncle house to stay.
When I was at my Uncle's house, they were still on the way from Tampines. As I was waiting for them, I took some rest. I was physically and mentally very exhausted. When they reached, I ask them what happened. They did'nt say much expect that, they told me my grandma was in hospital and she was in coma. I was a bit of relieved so I went to sleep after that. I did'nt think so much.
